Simply Shiny Life

Our chief weapon is SURPRISE!!

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Yes. You are welcome.

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I went to lunch last week with a good friend who is also a Mom. We were talking about so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ words. Stupid was one on her list that was not allowed to be said in her house. So, given that requirement, here are a few dozen ways of calling someone stupid, without actually saying that word.

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. A few beers short of a six-pack.
4. Dumber than a box of hair.
5. A few peas short of a casserole.
6. Doesn’t have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
7. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
9. One taco short of a combination platter.
10. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
11. All foam, no beer.
12. The cheese slid off her cracker.
13. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
14. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
15. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
17. As smart as bait.
18. Chimney’s clogged.
19. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
20. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
21. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
22. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
23. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
24. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
25. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
26. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
27. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
28. No grain in the silo.
29. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
30. Receiver is off the hook.
31. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
32. Skylight leaks a little.
33. Slinky’s kinked.
34. Surfing in Nebraska.
35. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

TGIF everyone!!
Signs That You May Now be an adult. Sad really. 

Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won’t turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps from noon to 6 PM

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

A $14.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to”replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one.  See, sad really.

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TGIF everyone!

MYSTERIES OF LIFE

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?

2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?

3. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

8. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

9. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

10. What do you call male ballerinas?

11. Can blind people see their dreams?

12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

14. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker?’

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a ‘wet paint’ sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

18. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

19. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Why do the alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?

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My friend Misty shared these gems with the plurk world,  and they are just too good to not repeat. Happy Friday everyone.

• One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.
• The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ …..Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

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Aw, c’mon, admit this made you laugh out loud if you are a Mom.

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